At the end

At the end of last year, I had a sad breakup with a guy who I had thought was amazing and perfect. I was hoping to never speak of it on here, but let's break it down shall we? First off I thought he was perfect, and sweet, and just an overall amazing guy. Turns out that he wasn't all of those things, and it broke my heart when after we had sex, he was a complete asshole.

Aileen, and Lena were there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I had decided to call him up, but due to the stress of the holiday season, I didn't want to risk crying and feeling like a hot mess. In the end everything worked out, because I felt free from the restraints of his capture of my heart.

Lesson learned: Not all men are equal and some will be assholes, or jerks. I'm just glad that I had learned a lesson about this sooner than later. And since Timothy walked into my life, I feel a little better about letting this other guy go.

Aileen & Me

I've reconnected with a friend at the end of 2014, and she is good friend. Unfortunately, she has someone in her life, and is attached. Which makes it hard for us to see eye to eye on certain things. While I'm a year older than Aileen, I feel like she never really got a chance to have encounters with different people. I've had sex with different guys, but she has only had her one man. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that she's only been with her boyfriend, or that I have yet to find the one?

Love is cruel

I don't often talk about myself on here as much as I would like to... That's because I'm a master at hiding myself behind closed doors, and silk sheets. I think a lot of women are insecure, and trust me I'm insecure. But with the right person, sometimes that insecurity can disappear. I have yet to find that one person who makes me tingle, and make me laugh so hard that I can't help but explode into a chaotic mess. But when that day comes, this online journal will become void. I will no longer write on here anymore...

The one who got away

I haven't had the privilege of meeting the guy who would say yes to everything and anything I want to do. And it crushes my heart, especially since I've said no to so many people in the past. I feel like saying no is my most used phrase. And I don't think it should be anymore. I want to say yes, I want to say fuck it, I'll do it right now! But it's not in my nature to say yes. I was always a cautious child, a safe teenage, and now a weary adult. I don't know if I ever be able to say yes to a lot of things that someone like he has to offer me... And that scares me.

I think I'm already half way in love with him... His name is Timothy, and he makes me wild in bed, and even more wild when he's not around.

Break down...

I've missed the intimacy part of falling in love. I feel like a part of me wishes that everything would just fall together, and I just could magically find that one person who completes me. But I know that it will not be happening anytime soon. What scares me most, is what if I never do find true happiness and love? My heart yearns to fall in love, and yet it's more complicated than it actually seems. What do we do as humans when we can't find that one last thing that completes us?

We break down...

Forever and ever?

The biggest question a lot of people in their late twenties ask themselves... Do i love that person enough to be with them forever? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be... To be honest, I have no fucking idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. I miss the rain when it used to rain during the wintertime. And now that there's finally rain, I'm disappointed. I thought maybe there would be a downpour of rain, and we would all just get swept up and leave with the rain that comes and then disappears... It's saddening to think that now it's actually happening you don't really care anymore. That's the way it is with love. When you don't have it, you crave it, and when you have it, you don't care about it anymore.

I don't know which is sadder. Having love, and losing it, or never having it at all..

Fickle little thing

Love is such a fickle thing. It had a tendency to escape at the worst of times, and come back at the best of times. It's hard for any one person to actually know if they are ever in love. Falling in love that's a different concept entirely. I can say that I have fallen in love, but staying there takes a lot more hard work, and of course patience, than any one person can handle.

My fragile heart can't take the pain that my breaking heart gets every time someone decides to throw gasoline on it, and lit my beating heart on fire. I'm not sure what it is about love that makes people do stupid shit, but I haven't felt that way in a long time. And I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that way again. Being immune to love and the way that it pushes us to our boundaries, is what I do best, but what happens when someone shatters that resolve? What do I do then?

(I've decided to blog at least once a month for the next year. Let's hope that I'm able to do it...)

Eases my mind

Every time, I want to cry or freak out about something, there he is. Standing there in front of me smiling that silly smile of his. And I just want to break down and tell Ken everything horrible that's happened. Defiling my body with the last man I didn't want. Asking him if he thinks I'm pretty enough, or when I feel the urge to drink an entire bottle of Dom Pérignon. He's been my rock since 2009, and I love him the most out of everyone. He's consistent in letting me know how everything is going, and I feel the urge to just hug him, and tell him everything is going to be okay.

Once upon a time ago, there was a depressed guy who went to college, and felt that nothing in life made sense. And nothing was making sense for him. He would often wonder what was wrong with him, and why he felt the way he was feeling. Until one day when he was 26 he decided enough. He was going to turn his life around. And he did. He didn't think about his life as if it were a sad movie. And he flew, his name was Ken.

Love lost is love found?

Ken told me that he's been with his girlfriend for the last 2 years... What have I been doing that time? Absolutely fucking nothing. Not getting into a serious relationship with anyone has got me thinking, what is the best time to settle down? Not sure for everyone, but for me, that's probably going to be when I'm at least 35. I just don't see the point of settling down now.

I've seen all the bullshit on Facebook. Trust me I have. I've seen my friends getting engaged, making and having babies, and I don't know. It doesn't scare me... Well maybe the pushing a baby out of my uterus does, but marriage that's a piece of cake. I just don't have inclination to do any of that stuff. And what's wrong with not wanting to get married and living in a 3 bedroom house? I don't see anything wrong with that. I just don't want to do it right now...

Now I kind of wished I had a cigarette.

An Introduction: Edward

I first saw him in school. I thought he was smart, and cute, and just plain gorgeous. I never thought that 10 years would pass and we would meet up again. Like old friends, but more like sex partners. He played the guitar in school, and I'm hoping that he still does.

His sense of style has grown up a lot since varsity jacket days. And his taste in music is like pure sex to me. He was voted for something in our high school yearbook. Possibly best dressed? I'm not sure anymore... But for whatever reason, I have seriously indications that sex with him is going to be amazing. We haven't done it yet, because I have a busy schedule, and he has a even busier one. And plus my one month rule. I don't sleep with anyone unless I've known them for one month or more.

Sucked me in

I haven't seen Edward in 10 years, and all of the sudden he has me all wrapped around his little finger again. It's strange what times does to a person. He's not only amazing looking as usual, but he looks like he's matured. I hope I have as well. It's been 10 years, since high school, since I've seen him, and it's like wham, all those feelings of falling for him have come around full blast. He's always sucking me in to his life.

I had meant to ask him or Charles to homecoming my junior year in high school, but being stupid little old me, I decided to ask Charles, which ended up being the worst mistake of my life. If only, I had asked the right one, maybe now I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I don't think he even remembers that I've known about him this entire time...

2014 Resolutions

I do feel pain, and resentment, and all the bull shit that goes through a cycle of a year. My first resolution is to make something of myself. My second resolution to get serious. Not just about love, but my life, and everything that surrounds me.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and I might just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just lay there for all eternity. Other times, I feel like I can swim forever and ever. And never stop. But those days seemed to be outnumbered by the former.

Love is not real. It's like saying the moon is made out of cheese. Which it is not. Love is just an emotion some of us feel. I can honestly say that I've never felt it, nor do I plan on getting my heart broken. I've never really been in love. Because that would require me to feel something for someone, and I have absolutely no intention of feeling anything for any one person. Sex is one thing, love is another. And yes I've cried over guys before. But it's never been anything that I haven't overcome. I think of true love to be something so indescribable, that it hurts when the person you really love, does something that horrifies you to your core. And I have yet to feel that.

Wherefore art thou Richard?

I always fall for someone once every couple of months. And two years ago, it was this guy named Richard. He was perfect. Tall, educated, smart, funny, and he was just overall a good time guy to have fun with. I don't know what went wrong. I guess it came down to expectations with both of us. I wanted to commit, and he didn't want to. And now it's role reversal. I guess now, I don't want to be committed at all. Which is why Tom is such a good idea. And the sex has been good with him by the way. I suppose Richard is getting older, and he wants something more serious now. The only question is, am I willing to give it to him?

Me and Him...

So this upcoming week is going to be fun. For one, Tom is going to be over and we are going to have a lot of fun drinking, eating cheese and crackers, and having sex. It should be a magical 2 weeks. Sorry I haven't been blogging on the regular. This is my outlet blog. I only write when I'm feeling up and bouncy or depressed as fuck. I guess right now, I'm just excited to see Tom finally.

I love him, I love him not

This past 2 weeks has been a haze of craziness for me. First off, Skyler has been texting me every day since we started talking again. And while it's nice, I'm still not sure if I like him that way. While me and Tom have slowed down our sexual lust for each other. I'm not sure what is going on between us right now. But I do like Tom a lot. He's perfect in every way. I just wish he could see it like I do.

Skyler is a little strange to talk to. I mean, I like him as a friend, but sometimes I get the feeling that we could be more, if I really wanted to give it a shot. But then there's Tom. Tom who might be the one and the last one for me. And so the decision making continues.

So Halloween is coming up. And I'm pretty sure I don't have any big plans. I mean of course sex is going to be a part of the whole Halloween night shit. I'm just not sure if I feel up to it, after 2 years ago, when I fell in love with a guy. And he broke my heart. Richard where are you now?

F*CK

Sex is often times said to be a good thing for the body. Almost every time I've had sex, I've had an orgasm. Now, the same can't be said for every woman. Some women go through their entire lives without having any kind of release. Having sex for me is like fireworks going off every time.

I remember a couple of years ago, when I was so pissed off at the world, and my parents, and I was raging with all my heart, my parents sent me to a group therapy. I remember one woman there saying that she never had an orgasm, and that she never wanted to have sex again. That made me sad. Because how do you even know if you never had it? I miss that feeling of having someone on top of me, kissing me, touching me. Making me moan. I miss that feeling.

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.

Kisses

Did you know that in Europe it's okay if you kiss someone's cheek as a hello? It's a little strange for sure. Since I was raised in America majority of my life, and I've visited these countries before. I'm not used to the kissing on cheeks, or even on the mouth, thing.

When I think of kissing, I think of my future boyfriend, and while we are pissed at each other for some reason, he grabs my elbow, spins me around, and kisses me on the mouth. While in the rain. And we are both drenched, but the feeling is so soothing, of finally connecting with him in that perfect moment. And all I can think of is why was I ever mad at him? I love this man with all my heart.

New man in the works

I've been talking to a guy for the last couple of weeks. He's an amazing guy. He's a little more into sex than I am though. His name is Tom. And I'm pretty sure I like him. The only thing is that he wants a friends with benefits relationship, while I want something a little more. He's the type of guy my parents would be happy to invite over for dinner. Or just to meet.

And the good thing is that he understands my culture, and he has the same family values in life. His family is also pretty well off. I'm not sure if I can just do a friends with benefits thing for long without feeling something for him. What am I going to do though?

Contact

I've been yet again contacted by Skyler. This weekend. I was in bed trying to go to sleep in the early morning, and my phone rings, with a text message. I don't understand why he keeps insisting on seeing me. It's all I can do but keep from screaming. I often times think that if the world were to end tomorrow, I wouldn't be bothered to contact him. The first person I would contact is Ken.

And maybe then I would tell him all the stuff I was too frightened to tell him before. About how much I admired him, and how much I miss him. And how I need his words of wisdom if only for the last time.