I miss him

I have been trying not to think about Ken for the last couple of months, but every time I open my iPhone's pictures, I see his smiling face looking right at me and I get this heart lurching pain. Something that I think will never go away. I miss him every day but I know it's near to impossible to see him. I know he's moved on. He's dating this girl whose pretty, smart, and who works with him in the same building. I know it's bad to have self pity for myself, but every time I see his picture I want to cry a little bit inside.

I haven't read his last Facebook message to me, because I'm scared of what it might say. Especially since I've been in London, and Paris during June. And now I'm in Thailand, and traveling Asia. As soon as I get back to the states in September, I'm going to be in New York for fashion week. As soon as that's over, I'm going to be back in L.A. And that frightens me, because then I won't be able to hold back anymore. And I will have to read his Facebook message.

Thailand

I remember the summers I spent in Thailand. Lounging by the beach, drinking coconut juice, and having a great feast after the tanning. I loved spending time in a tropical country, while relaxing. I also remember the summer I spent in France, just walking around up and around the Eiffel tower, and also the Louvre. I love art, and I always felt like it was in my blood, so every time I'm in a museum, I feel a sense of awe.

Medicated

I told my doctor how I felt like a zombie when I took my medication. I think I broke down in front of him, and started crying. Which rarely happens to me. I don't usually break down crying like an idiot. And he told me to stop taking such big dosages. I wanted to say to him, "But you were the one who suggested I take this dose." But I didn't. Probably because I was too chicken shit to say something that could possibly end up with him scolding me. I always try to remember my manners when around other people. It might be something my father drilled into me when I was young. "Stop making excuses! Stop saying shit when I'm trying to talk to you!"

Sometimes, I just want to sit in my room, and cry.

Men & Boys

I've always had a spot in my heart for Skyler. Even when I knew he wasn't perfect for me. Because I could say at least he was my friend. While with Ken, there was always this flirting that went down. As much as I want it to work out between me and Skyler, I feel like I will always have this emptiness inside of me because of Ken. Like I will never be happy without him in my life. But you reap what you sow. I basically tossed our relationship down the drain, because I was too damn depressed. And that makes the hold in my heart bigger day by day. When will it start to feel better? Never?

I miss the days when Ken would ask me, if everything was going okay. The concern on his face, when he asked if my medication was working. If I was okay to drive home. I haven't told Skyler half of the stuff I told Ken. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the response I will get from him? Perhaps? Maybe? Yes?

I kind of wish you would leave...

Skyler is back in my life again. After the devastation he brought to my life in 2008, and then again in 2011, he's back in my life. I'm not sure why he always comes back to me. Maybe in a part of his brain he thinks of me even when he shouldn't be. I'm bad for him, I'm bad for everyone. I'm no good, but all he sees is good in me.

I wish he would just leave me alone, but he promise long nights of car rides, and talking late into the night. I can't keep up anymore. All the medication I've been taking for the last year, have made me numb to everything. And once in a while, I will scream into my pillow, hoping that everything will work out, but honestly? It never does.

Saved

My mother told me last week that she couldn't save me, if I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to say, "You were never there for me when I was a child, and now you want to save me?"

I miss when I was a child, and everything only revolved around friends, school, and little birthday parties. Where has the time gone? It flew past me like a little sparrow, and now I'll never be able to get those days back.

Wishing

I've never really understood the whole wishing on 11:11. I mean what happens if you wish on 12:12? But I remember what I wished for on November 11th, 2011 at exactly 11:11 pm. I wished for someone to love me always. I suppose my friends are great examples of that. I mean Ken has always been there for me, and he will always be there. I miss him though. More than he will ever know. I miss his smile, and the way he would always make light of every situation he was in. And more than that, I miss his awkwardness.

I think I can finally admit it, but I love Ken. But I'm far too late. Too much time has passed between us.

And Lena will always be there for me. I've known her since we were freshmen in high school. We've always been there for each other, through thick and thin. I remember how when her father passed away, we were at a restaurant after the funeral, and I asked her if she was okay, and she replied, "No, I'm not." And she laid her head down on the table. I stroked her hair for a few minutes until she felt calm and relaxed. And I ispered to her, "No one here will ever hurt you."

Halloween

Sometimes I will pull out pictures from when I was a child. I would look at how silly I used to look. Laughing at the world as if nothing is wrong. When I was 5 years old, I asked my mom if I could be a princess for Halloween. My best friend Georgina was a princess too. My little brother was a dinosaur. Because at that time in life, he was in love with anything that had to do with dinosaurs.

I loved being a princess. I wished with all my might that I could be a real princess. But that never happened. But on that one day when I was 5 years old, I was a princess. At least in my defense I was a make believe princess. I'll always cherish those moments, and if you're out there Georgina I miss you. 

Right now

I remember my first crush. Most people would say they don't remember, but I remember every little detail as if it happened just yesterday. His name was Kevin, and we were in kindergarden. It was a weird time for me, because I never had an older sibling, and I didn't know what cooties were. And god forbid I knew that boys were supposed to be icky, and gross.

And when my eyes landed on him, I saw him for him. And I fell head over heels for him. I think now if I got to know the real him, maybe I wouldn't like him as much as I did in the past, but damn that doesn't get me thinking about what would have happened if I had just stayed there forever. Just staring into his deep brown eyes for endless moments.

I miss those days when we were innocent.