F*CK

Sex is often times said to be a good thing for the body. Almost every time I've had sex, I've had an orgasm. Now, the same can't be said for every woman. Some women go through their entire lives without having any kind of release. Having sex for me is like fireworks going off every time.

I remember a couple of years ago, when I was so pissed off at the world, and my parents, and I was raging with all my heart, my parents sent me to a group therapy. I remember one woman there saying that she never had an orgasm, and that she never wanted to have sex again. That made me sad. Because how do you even know if you never had it? I miss that feeling of having someone on top of me, kissing me, touching me. Making me moan. I miss that feeling.

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.

Kisses

Did you know that in Europe it's okay if you kiss someone's cheek as a hello? It's a little strange for sure. Since I was raised in America majority of my life, and I've visited these countries before. I'm not used to the kissing on cheeks, or even on the mouth, thing.

When I think of kissing, I think of my future boyfriend, and while we are pissed at each other for some reason, he grabs my elbow, spins me around, and kisses me on the mouth. While in the rain. And we are both drenched, but the feeling is so soothing, of finally connecting with him in that perfect moment. And all I can think of is why was I ever mad at him? I love this man with all my heart.

New man in the works

I've been talking to a guy for the last couple of weeks. He's an amazing guy. He's a little more into sex than I am though. His name is Tom. And I'm pretty sure I like him. The only thing is that he wants a friends with benefits relationship, while I want something a little more. He's the type of guy my parents would be happy to invite over for dinner. Or just to meet.

And the good thing is that he understands my culture, and he has the same family values in life. His family is also pretty well off. I'm not sure if I can just do a friends with benefits thing for long without feeling something for him. What am I going to do though?

Should have

I was suppose to go out with this amazing guy named Jon earlier this month, but it was just so damn hot, and then my cousin asked me if I would accompany her to NWFW, and I said yeah. And then it never happened. And he was so damn good looking too. He was perfect in every single way. He was tall, but not too tall, he had a nice smile, and he had a great sense of humor.

I wish money could buy me love, because if that were the case, I would be in love.

Going out

I grew up on musicals, and dancing ballet and other stuff that little girls did. I loved it, and I still do this day. But it gets harder as I get older to really go out. Not because I don't have the money, but it just seems like a lot of my friends are busy with their own lives. Which means I usually do stuff by myself. Which isn't that bad. I'm actually used to doing stuff by myself.

I remember when I was younger, I would go to the movies by myself, grab some popcorn, and just sit there watching the movie. Laughing, gasping, all the stuff that young people do. Sometimes I think I'm a 70 year old woman trapped in a 20 something adult. And yet sometimes I feel like I'm a 6 year old child trapped in a 20 something adult. Ahhh... The bliss of life oui?

Right at this moment

I absolutely hate getting set up on blind dates with my friends. I mean a lot of my friends are fabulous, and glamorous, but who knows if I'm going to truly connect with the guy. I remember the first blind date I had to go on. My friend decided it would be a good idea for us to go out with a guy she was dating and this so called guy's "friend". It wasn't until after I met the guy I was kind of annoyed. It was weird, because I didn't know this guy, and what he wanted exactly. We ended up going back to his place, and hanging out for a while, before he took me home.

I don't talk to that friend anymore. No it's not because she set me up on a blind date. It's because she was addicted to drugs. And as much as I do like to drink, and smoke cigarettes, I've never been a big drug user.

I've got Mail

I love those sappy old movies that make me tear up just a little bit. Gone with the Wind was one of those movies. More recently though, I've been going through a couple of movies that wear released in the 1990's to the 2000's.

One of my favorites I remember when I was a child, and sitting next to my mum and watching with her, was You've Got Mail. I love Meg Ryan. Still do to this day. Another two that I didn't know about until a couple of friends introduced me to them, was Garden State, which is an addicting movie about a boy who falls in love with a girl, and they go on an amazing adventure together. The last one, I've loved since it came out is called Penelope. I love a good romance story where the characters have to go out and find themselves first.

I guess the question I have, is will any of these movies have a sequel? Like I'm dying inside to find out if Joe Fox asked Kathleen Kelly to marry him? Or if Andrew Largeman and Sam have any more adventures? And what becomes of the witch in Penelope? These are all questions I have for these directors and writers who wrote and directed these movies...

Remember those days

I remember the days spent in Thailand on a boat, relaxing while reading a book. With the sun on my face, and a cool drink next to me.

Nowadays I ask my cousin for book recommendations. Not that I'm incapable of finding interesting books first, but my cousin really really loves books. I'm not going to mention my cousin's name on here. Only because she's pretty well known in the blog world. If you can figure it out, then good for you. If you can't, then don't bother.

The books she always sends me off to read, are usually amazing, and insightful. I have to admit that I teared up a little bit after reading a couple of the books she recommended. Not that she doesn't try to request that I listen to her type of music. I do love her music, but once in a while, it gets too hip-hop, or Indie rock for me.

Contact

I've been yet again contacted by Skyler. This weekend. I was in bed trying to go to sleep in the early morning, and my phone rings, with a text message. I don't understand why he keeps insisting on seeing me. It's all I can do but keep from screaming. I often times think that if the world were to end tomorrow, I wouldn't be bothered to contact him. The first person I would contact is Ken.

And maybe then I would tell him all the stuff I was too frightened to tell him before. About how much I admired him, and how much I miss him. And how I need his words of wisdom if only for the last time.

Reading/Watching

I've always been a big reader. Not that it's amounted to anything really. I just love reading books. I've had my fair share of crying when a person falls in love, and knows that it will never be, or when all hope is lost.

That's the way it is with movies that I sometimes watch. I remember the first movie I cried at. It wasn't Titanic. It was The Little Princess. I felt like a piece of me fell away when her father disappeared. I have to tell myself that it's not real, but it won't stop the tears from coming anymore than I can stop myself. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself to breathe, and to believe.

Skyler

Skyler has been trying to contact me the last couple of months. What he doesn't know is that I take my iPhone with me everywhere. And I get his messages, I just never open them up. It's weird because he always double texts. It's weird because he has an iPhone like me, so I'm assuming it's not a mistake, but maybe it is. Or maybe it isn't. Who the hell knows? 

If it were a real emergency he could just call me. But he never does. And I'm starting to believe that he never will.

Europe

There's just something amazing about waking up early in the morning in Paris. Opening your window curtains to see the Eiffel tower standing there. The one thing I have to say I miss the most about Europe is the pretty cigarettes. Their called Sobranie, and I've found them extremely difficult to get a hold of in the USA. But since I've been to Europe so many times, I already know where to pick up this brand.

I think I also miss the champagne. Dom Perignon all day every day. Oh and of course you can never forget sparkling water. Even though I felt like I drank more alcohol than water whenever I'm there. Which might be a bad thing, or a good thing considering that dieting by drinking, and chain smoking cigarettes is the way for me.

I miss him

I have been trying not to think about Ken for the last couple of months, but every time I open my iPhone's pictures, I see his smiling face looking right at me and I get this heart lurching pain. Something that I think will never go away. I miss him every day but I know it's near to impossible to see him. I know he's moved on. He's dating this girl whose pretty, smart, and who works with him in the same building. I know it's bad to have self pity for myself, but every time I see his picture I want to cry a little bit inside.

I haven't read his last Facebook message to me, because I'm scared of what it might say. Especially since I've been in London, and Paris during June. And now I'm in Thailand, and traveling Asia. As soon as I get back to the states in September, I'm going to be in New York for fashion week. As soon as that's over, I'm going to be back in L.A. And that frightens me, because then I won't be able to hold back anymore. And I will have to read his Facebook message.

Thailand

I remember the summers I spent in Thailand. Lounging by the beach, drinking coconut juice, and having a great feast after the tanning. I loved spending time in a tropical country, while relaxing. I also remember the summer I spent in France, just walking around up and around the Eiffel tower, and also the Louvre. I love art, and I always felt like it was in my blood, so every time I'm in a museum, I feel a sense of awe.

Medicated

I told my doctor how I felt like a zombie when I took my medication. I think I broke down in front of him, and started crying. Which rarely happens to me. I don't usually break down crying like an idiot. And he told me to stop taking such big dosages. I wanted to say to him, "But you were the one who suggested I take this dose." But I didn't. Probably because I was too chicken shit to say something that could possibly end up with him scolding me. I always try to remember my manners when around other people. It might be something my father drilled into me when I was young. "Stop making excuses! Stop saying shit when I'm trying to talk to you!"

Sometimes, I just want to sit in my room, and cry.

Men & Boys

I've always had a spot in my heart for Skyler. Even when I knew he wasn't perfect for me. Because I could say at least he was my friend. While with Ken, there was always this flirting that went down. As much as I want it to work out between me and Skyler, I feel like I will always have this emptiness inside of me because of Ken. Like I will never be happy without him in my life. But you reap what you sow. I basically tossed our relationship down the drain, because I was too damn depressed. And that makes the hold in my heart bigger day by day. When will it start to feel better? Never?

I miss the days when Ken would ask me, if everything was going okay. The concern on his face, when he asked if my medication was working. If I was okay to drive home. I haven't told Skyler half of the stuff I told Ken. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the response I will get from him? Perhaps? Maybe? Yes?

I kind of wish you would leave...

Skyler is back in my life again. After the devastation he brought to my life in 2008, and then again in 2011, he's back in my life. I'm not sure why he always comes back to me. Maybe in a part of his brain he thinks of me even when he shouldn't be. I'm bad for him, I'm bad for everyone. I'm no good, but all he sees is good in me.

I wish he would just leave me alone, but he promise long nights of car rides, and talking late into the night. I can't keep up anymore. All the medication I've been taking for the last year, have made me numb to everything. And once in a while, I will scream into my pillow, hoping that everything will work out, but honestly? It never does.

Saved

My mother told me last week that she couldn't save me, if I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to say, "You were never there for me when I was a child, and now you want to save me?"

I miss when I was a child, and everything only revolved around friends, school, and little birthday parties. Where has the time gone? It flew past me like a little sparrow, and now I'll never be able to get those days back.

Wishing

I've never really understood the whole wishing on 11:11. I mean what happens if you wish on 12:12? But I remember what I wished for on November 11th, 2011 at exactly 11:11 pm. I wished for someone to love me always. I suppose my friends are great examples of that. I mean Ken has always been there for me, and he will always be there. I miss him though. More than he will ever know. I miss his smile, and the way he would always make light of every situation he was in. And more than that, I miss his awkwardness.

I think I can finally admit it, but I love Ken. But I'm far too late. Too much time has passed between us.

And Lena will always be there for me. I've known her since we were freshmen in high school. We've always been there for each other, through thick and thin. I remember how when her father passed away, we were at a restaurant after the funeral, and I asked her if she was okay, and she replied, "No, I'm not." And she laid her head down on the table. I stroked her hair for a few minutes until she felt calm and relaxed. And I ispered to her, "No one here will ever hurt you."