Love lost is love found?

Ken told me that he's been with his girlfriend for the last 2 years... What have I been doing that time? Absolutely fucking nothing. Not getting into a serious relationship with anyone has got me thinking, what is the best time to settle down? Not sure for everyone, but for me, that's probably going to be when I'm at least 35. I just don't see the point of settling down now.

I've seen all the bullshit on Facebook. Trust me I have. I've seen my friends getting engaged, making and having babies, and I don't know. It doesn't scare me... Well maybe the pushing a baby out of my uterus does, but marriage that's a piece of cake. I just don't have inclination to do any of that stuff. And what's wrong with not wanting to get married and living in a 3 bedroom house? I don't see anything wrong with that. I just don't want to do it right now...

Now I kind of wished I had a cigarette.

I've known...

So I've known for the last couple of weeks that Skyler has a girlfriend, and it makes me happy that he's finally moved on from me. I just didn't see the point of continuing this crazy charade of dancing around each other, possibly liking each other, but in the end not being able to commit to him.

I'm just not a commitment type of girl. We had talked during April, and he was just so weird about everything. He told me that he's a romantic, and I just said yeah... And then he mentioned that he wanted to cuddle with me. And I just texted him back: Lol. Because I'm not the cuddling type. I'm the type to fuck and then leave. I'm not huge in the romance department, nor do I care about flowers, and wooing the opposite sex.

So I'm glad that he now has someone he can do that with.

An Introduction: Edward

I first saw him in school. I thought he was smart, and cute, and just plain gorgeous. I never thought that 10 years would pass and we would meet up again. Like old friends, but more like sex partners. He played the guitar in school, and I'm hoping that he still does.

His sense of style has grown up a lot since varsity jacket days. And his taste in music is like pure sex to me. He was voted for something in our high school yearbook. Possibly best dressed? I'm not sure anymore... But for whatever reason, I have seriously indications that sex with him is going to be amazing. We haven't done it yet, because I have a busy schedule, and he has a even busier one. And plus my one month rule. I don't sleep with anyone unless I've known them for one month or more.

Sucked me in

I haven't seen Edward in 10 years, and all of the sudden he has me all wrapped around his little finger again. It's strange what times does to a person. He's not only amazing looking as usual, but he looks like he's matured. I hope I have as well. It's been 10 years, since high school, since I've seen him, and it's like wham, all those feelings of falling for him have come around full blast. He's always sucking me in to his life.

I had meant to ask him or Charles to homecoming my junior year in high school, but being stupid little old me, I decided to ask Charles, which ended up being the worst mistake of my life. If only, I had asked the right one, maybe now I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I don't think he even remembers that I've known about him this entire time...

2014 Resolutions

I do feel pain, and resentment, and all the bull shit that goes through a cycle of a year. My first resolution is to make something of myself. My second resolution to get serious. Not just about love, but my life, and everything that surrounds me.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and I might just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just lay there for all eternity. Other times, I feel like I can swim forever and ever. And never stop. But those days seemed to be outnumbered by the former.

Love is not real. It's like saying the moon is made out of cheese. Which it is not. Love is just an emotion some of us feel. I can honestly say that I've never felt it, nor do I plan on getting my heart broken. I've never really been in love. Because that would require me to feel something for someone, and I have absolutely no intention of feeling anything for any one person. Sex is one thing, love is another. And yes I've cried over guys before. But it's never been anything that I haven't overcome. I think of true love to be something so indescribable, that it hurts when the person you really love, does something that horrifies you to your core. And I have yet to feel that.

Let's talk about Sex

So I'm a little disappointed in Tom. First off, when we got together again, I really wanted him to penetrate me. But he ended up being too damn tired from work, and I guess he just couldn't get it up. I was slightly angry at myself, but I was more upset with him. If he could have just waited a day or two, we could have had real sex with each other. It could have been explosive. But you know guys and their way of thinking. If they don't get to come, then it's no fun at all.

Well at least when I sucked him, he came.

Wherefore art thou Richard?

I always fall for someone once every couple of months. And two years ago, it was this guy named Richard. He was perfect. Tall, educated, smart, funny, and he was just overall a good time guy to have fun with. I don't know what went wrong. I guess it came down to expectations with both of us. I wanted to commit, and he didn't want to. And now it's role reversal. I guess now, I don't want to be committed at all. Which is why Tom is such a good idea. And the sex has been good with him by the way. I suppose Richard is getting older, and he wants something more serious now. The only question is, am I willing to give it to him?

They left again

My parents left again to go on vacation. They left last Tuesday. So they skipped out on Thanksgiving. There is nothing to be thankful for this year. Other than my own health, and my career. Tom was suppose to show up this weekend, but due to miscommunication we ended up not seeing each other. And then he got sick Sunday. I'm starting to feel sick but not his type of sick. I've been coughing a lot more lately.

I didn't go black Friday shopping. I relaxed at home, with a cup of hot tea, while watching some movies. And then late Friday afternoon, I decided to go to Walmart to pick up some small things, and guess what? It was still a crazy experience. I felt like there were a lot of people there, running around, still trying to get good deals. I ended up picking up 2 candles. I'm planning on going to vacation next year. Possibly around May.

Me and Him...

So this upcoming week is going to be fun. For one, Tom is going to be over and we are going to have a lot of fun drinking, eating cheese and crackers, and having sex. It should be a magical 2 weeks. Sorry I haven't been blogging on the regular. This is my outlet blog. I only write when I'm feeling up and bouncy or depressed as fuck. I guess right now, I'm just excited to see Tom finally.

Religion

[EDITED BEFORE I POSTED THIS UP] I believe that you can have sex before marriage, just use a condom. And I'm all about drinking a little bit of alcohol when the mood calls for it. I'm not against any religion. I'm just open minded. But let me tell you, if I were to get married and my husband demanded that I get up at 8:00 am every Sunday to go to church then we're going to have a problem. I was actually baptized as buddhist in Taiwan with my Aunt as a witness, so that's why I don't see the point of going to church. I mean if my husband wants to go to temple at least a month that's fine with me. But seriously, church every Sunday morning? No. Don't sign me up for that train ride.

My ex-boyfriend who will stay anonymous on here, told me that even though he wasn't a practicing Catholic, that he wanted our children to go to church every Sunday, and that I would accompany them! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of in my life! First off he didn't go to church every Sunday, and he expected me to get up every Sunday and take our "children" to church? While he stayed home and slept through Sundays like it's no big thing? Screw that. That's probably why we broke up. Because his dumbass saw the point of me slaving away, with our 10 kids that he wanted. FUCK THAT.

This is probably going to be the first and last long post on this blog.

We have wild sex

I've been having regular sex with Tom, but every once in a while, I have these random wild sex dreams. I had a dream about this guy who was part Asian and part white. I'm not sure if I was thinking about Jon, or not. You guys remember Jon right? He was the guy I couldn't hang out with because I was too busy? Anyway, I had a dream that we were having amazing sex.

And then last night, I had a dream that I was having sex with one of my best friends from high school. Not only is that impossible, because he's gay, but I haven't talked to him in almost 6 years. What is happening to my mind? And why am I having these dreams all of the sudden?

Working hard

I've been traveling a lot the last couple of months. For those of you who are interested in what I do, I work in fashion. I'm not going to say anymore than that. But for those of you who are curious about the fashion business, it's always changing. It's always moving forward, and I think that's why I got involved with it. At the time, I was going to school, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Being pushed by my parents and by boys who I thought loved me was very difficult. And then one day I decided to fuck them all. And so my descent into fashion began. I've been a big fan of fashion ever since my mum inspired it out of me. To look at my mum's closet is like going back into time. She has a classic yet refined style. That can never be duplicated.

Stuck again

I don't believe in being dishonest. Dishonesty is the worst kind of lying. It's lying to yourself, as to other people. This random guy found me through the internet, and decided he liked me. Which is fucked up because he's married. And his wife turns a blind eye to his cheating ways. I don't want to talk to him anymore, so henceforth this asshole is blocked. He's told me that he's had multiple relationships with other women, and when I asked what would happen if he found the perfect woman and she wanted to settle down with him, he insisted that he would never separate from his wife. Because get this, he has kids. Fuck that shit. I'm not about to get involved with someone who has children, and is married. That's just not my motto.

So this is the lesson of the story kids, if you meet someone whose married, and they want to have sex with you, tell them to fuck off, and to go home to their spouse. Because being dishonest is the worst kind of lying.

I love him, I love him not

This past 2 weeks has been a haze of craziness for me. First off, Skyler has been texting me every day since we started talking again. And while it's nice, I'm still not sure if I like him that way. While me and Tom have slowed down our sexual lust for each other. I'm not sure what is going on between us right now. But I do like Tom a lot. He's perfect in every way. I just wish he could see it like I do.

Skyler is a little strange to talk to. I mean, I like him as a friend, but sometimes I get the feeling that we could be more, if I really wanted to give it a shot. But then there's Tom. Tom who might be the one and the last one for me. And so the decision making continues.

So Halloween is coming up. And I'm pretty sure I don't have any big plans. I mean of course sex is going to be a part of the whole Halloween night shit. I'm just not sure if I feel up to it, after 2 years ago, when I fell in love with a guy. And he broke my heart. Richard where are you now?

F*CK

Sex is often times said to be a good thing for the body. Almost every time I've had sex, I've had an orgasm. Now, the same can't be said for every woman. Some women go through their entire lives without having any kind of release. Having sex for me is like fireworks going off every time.

I remember a couple of years ago, when I was so pissed off at the world, and my parents, and I was raging with all my heart, my parents sent me to a group therapy. I remember one woman there saying that she never had an orgasm, and that she never wanted to have sex again. That made me sad. Because how do you even know if you never had it? I miss that feeling of having someone on top of me, kissing me, touching me. Making me moan. I miss that feeling.

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.

Kisses

Did you know that in Europe it's okay if you kiss someone's cheek as a hello? It's a little strange for sure. Since I was raised in America majority of my life, and I've visited these countries before. I'm not used to the kissing on cheeks, or even on the mouth, thing.

When I think of kissing, I think of my future boyfriend, and while we are pissed at each other for some reason, he grabs my elbow, spins me around, and kisses me on the mouth. While in the rain. And we are both drenched, but the feeling is so soothing, of finally connecting with him in that perfect moment. And all I can think of is why was I ever mad at him? I love this man with all my heart.

New man in the works

I've been talking to a guy for the last couple of weeks. He's an amazing guy. He's a little more into sex than I am though. His name is Tom. And I'm pretty sure I like him. The only thing is that he wants a friends with benefits relationship, while I want something a little more. He's the type of guy my parents would be happy to invite over for dinner. Or just to meet.

And the good thing is that he understands my culture, and he has the same family values in life. His family is also pretty well off. I'm not sure if I can just do a friends with benefits thing for long without feeling something for him. What am I going to do though?

Should have

I was suppose to go out with this amazing guy named Jon earlier this month, but it was just so damn hot, and then my cousin asked me if I would accompany her to NWFW, and I said yeah. And then it never happened. And he was so damn good looking too. He was perfect in every single way. He was tall, but not too tall, he had a nice smile, and he had a great sense of humor.

I wish money could buy me love, because if that were the case, I would be in love.

Going out

I grew up on musicals, and dancing ballet and other stuff that little girls did. I loved it, and I still do this day. But it gets harder as I get older to really go out. Not because I don't have the money, but it just seems like a lot of my friends are busy with their own lives. Which means I usually do stuff by myself. Which isn't that bad. I'm actually used to doing stuff by myself.

I remember when I was younger, I would go to the movies by myself, grab some popcorn, and just sit there watching the movie. Laughing, gasping, all the stuff that young people do. Sometimes I think I'm a 70 year old woman trapped in a 20 something adult. And yet sometimes I feel like I'm a 6 year old child trapped in a 20 something adult. Ahhh... The bliss of life oui?