Love is cruel

I don't often talk about myself on here as much as I would like to... That's because I'm a master at hiding myself behind closed doors, and silk sheets. I think a lot of women are insecure, and trust me I'm insecure. But with the right person, sometimes that insecurity can disappear. I have yet to find that one person who makes me tingle, and make me laugh so hard that I can't help but explode into a chaotic mess. But when that day comes, this online journal will become void. I will no longer write on here anymore...

The one who got away

I haven't had the privilege of meeting the guy who would say yes to everything and anything I want to do. And it crushes my heart, especially since I've said no to so many people in the past. I feel like saying no is my most used phrase. And I don't think it should be anymore. I want to say yes, I want to say fuck it, I'll do it right now! But it's not in my nature to say yes. I was always a cautious child, a safe teenage, and now a weary adult. I don't know if I ever be able to say yes to a lot of things that someone like he has to offer me... And that scares me.

I think I'm already half way in love with him... His name is Timothy, and he makes me wild in bed, and even more wild when he's not around.

It's always better with him...

When he fucks me, he is usually not rough, but when we had sex last week he was rougher than usual. It's almost like he's an animal in bed with me. I've come to realize that he is demanding in bed as well. I was lying there panting, and moaning, and he asks me why I am out of breathe, and told me to stop it.

I can't believe that we've seen each other for the last 2 months, and we are constantly like teenagers that just want to rip each other's clothes off. He had told me that he gave up sex for lent, but one glance down there, and he had already lost it.

Break down...

I've missed the intimacy part of falling in love. I feel like a part of me wishes that everything would just fall together, and I just could magically find that one person who completes me. But I know that it will not be happening anytime soon. What scares me most, is what if I never do find true happiness and love? My heart yearns to fall in love, and yet it's more complicated than it actually seems. What do we do as humans when we can't find that one last thing that completes us?

We break down...

Forever and ever?

The biggest question a lot of people in their late twenties ask themselves... Do i love that person enough to be with them forever? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be... To be honest, I have no fucking idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. I miss the rain when it used to rain during the wintertime. And now that there's finally rain, I'm disappointed. I thought maybe there would be a downpour of rain, and we would all just get swept up and leave with the rain that comes and then disappears... It's saddening to think that now it's actually happening you don't really care anymore. That's the way it is with love. When you don't have it, you crave it, and when you have it, you don't care about it anymore.

I don't know which is sadder. Having love, and losing it, or never having it at all..

Fickle little thing

Love is such a fickle thing. It had a tendency to escape at the worst of times, and come back at the best of times. It's hard for any one person to actually know if they are ever in love. Falling in love that's a different concept entirely. I can say that I have fallen in love, but staying there takes a lot more hard work, and of course patience, than any one person can handle.

My fragile heart can't take the pain that my breaking heart gets every time someone decides to throw gasoline on it, and lit my beating heart on fire. I'm not sure what it is about love that makes people do stupid shit, but I haven't felt that way in a long time. And I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that way again. Being immune to love and the way that it pushes us to our boundaries, is what I do best, but what happens when someone shatters that resolve? What do I do then?

(I've decided to blog at least once a month for the next year. Let's hope that I'm able to do it...)

Eases my mind

Every time, I want to cry or freak out about something, there he is. Standing there in front of me smiling that silly smile of his. And I just want to break down and tell Ken everything horrible that's happened. Defiling my body with the last man I didn't want. Asking him if he thinks I'm pretty enough, or when I feel the urge to drink an entire bottle of Dom Pérignon. He's been my rock since 2009, and I love him the most out of everyone. He's consistent in letting me know how everything is going, and I feel the urge to just hug him, and tell him everything is going to be okay.

Once upon a time ago, there was a depressed guy who went to college, and felt that nothing in life made sense. And nothing was making sense for him. He would often wonder what was wrong with him, and why he felt the way he was feeling. Until one day when he was 26 he decided enough. He was going to turn his life around. And he did. He didn't think about his life as if it were a sad movie. And he flew, his name was Ken.

Time will only tell

Sex with him is like slowly dying by drowning. I don't like myself after sex with Tom, but at the same time, it's an end to a means. When he went down on me, I felt like there was fireworks, not the big kind, but the kind that they sell to regular people. I don't think I've ever felt those big fireworks when I'm fucking a guy.

When I took his cock in my mouth, I had no idea what was going on through my mind. I'm not often a lustful person, but I felt a need to get him off, and to get him out of my place as soon as possible. I hate looking at his face, when we are fucking because he's not graceful, or good looking in the sense that Edward is. Which makes it all that more sadder, when we have sex.

I asked my best friend if there was a way to turn my anger for him into passion, and she said it's possible, but for me and Tom I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. I was thinking if I was just able to punch him in the face, then maybe just maybe I would be a little more happy.

Love lost is love found?

Ken told me that he's been with his girlfriend for the last 2 years... What have I been doing that time? Absolutely fucking nothing. Not getting into a serious relationship with anyone has got me thinking, what is the best time to settle down? Not sure for everyone, but for me, that's probably going to be when I'm at least 35. I just don't see the point of settling down now.

I've seen all the bullshit on Facebook. Trust me I have. I've seen my friends getting engaged, making and having babies, and I don't know. It doesn't scare me... Well maybe the pushing a baby out of my uterus does, but marriage that's a piece of cake. I just don't have inclination to do any of that stuff. And what's wrong with not wanting to get married and living in a 3 bedroom house? I don't see anything wrong with that. I just don't want to do it right now...

Now I kind of wished I had a cigarette.

I've known...

So I've known for the last couple of weeks that Skyler has a girlfriend, and it makes me happy that he's finally moved on from me. I just didn't see the point of continuing this crazy charade of dancing around each other, possibly liking each other, but in the end not being able to commit to him.

I'm just not a commitment type of girl. We had talked during April, and he was just so weird about everything. He told me that he's a romantic, and I just said yeah... And then he mentioned that he wanted to cuddle with me. And I just texted him back: Lol. Because I'm not the cuddling type. I'm the type to fuck and then leave. I'm not huge in the romance department, nor do I care about flowers, and wooing the opposite sex.

So I'm glad that he now has someone he can do that with.

An Introduction: Edward

I first saw him in school. I thought he was smart, and cute, and just plain gorgeous. I never thought that 10 years would pass and we would meet up again. Like old friends, but more like sex partners. He played the guitar in school, and I'm hoping that he still does.

His sense of style has grown up a lot since varsity jacket days. And his taste in music is like pure sex to me. He was voted for something in our high school yearbook. Possibly best dressed? I'm not sure anymore... But for whatever reason, I have seriously indications that sex with him is going to be amazing. We haven't done it yet, because I have a busy schedule, and he has a even busier one. And plus my one month rule. I don't sleep with anyone unless I've known them for one month or more.

Sucked me in

I haven't seen Edward in 10 years, and all of the sudden he has me all wrapped around his little finger again. It's strange what times does to a person. He's not only amazing looking as usual, but he looks like he's matured. I hope I have as well. It's been 10 years, since high school, since I've seen him, and it's like wham, all those feelings of falling for him have come around full blast. He's always sucking me in to his life.

I had meant to ask him or Charles to homecoming my junior year in high school, but being stupid little old me, I decided to ask Charles, which ended up being the worst mistake of my life. If only, I had asked the right one, maybe now I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I don't think he even remembers that I've known about him this entire time...

2014 Resolutions

I do feel pain, and resentment, and all the bull shit that goes through a cycle of a year. My first resolution is to make something of myself. My second resolution to get serious. Not just about love, but my life, and everything that surrounds me.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and I might just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just lay there for all eternity. Other times, I feel like I can swim forever and ever. And never stop. But those days seemed to be outnumbered by the former.

Love is not real. It's like saying the moon is made out of cheese. Which it is not. Love is just an emotion some of us feel. I can honestly say that I've never felt it, nor do I plan on getting my heart broken. I've never really been in love. Because that would require me to feel something for someone, and I have absolutely no intention of feeling anything for any one person. Sex is one thing, love is another. And yes I've cried over guys before. But it's never been anything that I haven't overcome. I think of true love to be something so indescribable, that it hurts when the person you really love, does something that horrifies you to your core. And I have yet to feel that.

Let's talk about Sex

So I'm a little disappointed in Tom. First off, when we got together again, I really wanted him to penetrate me. But he ended up being too damn tired from work, and I guess he just couldn't get it up. I was slightly angry at myself, but I was more upset with him. If he could have just waited a day or two, we could have had real sex with each other. It could have been explosive. But you know guys and their way of thinking. If they don't get to come, then it's no fun at all.

Well at least when I sucked him, he came.

Wherefore art thou Richard?

I always fall for someone once every couple of months. And two years ago, it was this guy named Richard. He was perfect. Tall, educated, smart, funny, and he was just overall a good time guy to have fun with. I don't know what went wrong. I guess it came down to expectations with both of us. I wanted to commit, and he didn't want to. And now it's role reversal. I guess now, I don't want to be committed at all. Which is why Tom is such a good idea. And the sex has been good with him by the way. I suppose Richard is getting older, and he wants something more serious now. The only question is, am I willing to give it to him?

They left again

My parents left again to go on vacation. They left last Tuesday. So they skipped out on Thanksgiving. There is nothing to be thankful for this year. Other than my own health, and my career. Tom was suppose to show up this weekend, but due to miscommunication we ended up not seeing each other. And then he got sick Sunday. I'm starting to feel sick but not his type of sick. I've been coughing a lot more lately.

I didn't go black Friday shopping. I relaxed at home, with a cup of hot tea, while watching some movies. And then late Friday afternoon, I decided to go to Walmart to pick up some small things, and guess what? It was still a crazy experience. I felt like there were a lot of people there, running around, still trying to get good deals. I ended up picking up 2 candles. I'm planning on going to vacation next year. Possibly around May.

Me and Him...

So this upcoming week is going to be fun. For one, Tom is going to be over and we are going to have a lot of fun drinking, eating cheese and crackers, and having sex. It should be a magical 2 weeks. Sorry I haven't been blogging on the regular. This is my outlet blog. I only write when I'm feeling up and bouncy or depressed as fuck. I guess right now, I'm just excited to see Tom finally.

Religion

[EDITED BEFORE I POSTED THIS UP] I believe that you can have sex before marriage, just use a condom. And I'm all about drinking a little bit of alcohol when the mood calls for it. I'm not against any religion. I'm just open minded. But let me tell you, if I were to get married and my husband demanded that I get up at 8:00 am every Sunday to go to church then we're going to have a problem. I was actually baptized as buddhist in Taiwan with my Aunt as a witness, so that's why I don't see the point of going to church. I mean if my husband wants to go to temple at least a month that's fine with me. But seriously, church every Sunday morning? No. Don't sign me up for that train ride.

My ex-boyfriend who will stay anonymous on here, told me that even though he wasn't a practicing Catholic, that he wanted our children to go to church every Sunday, and that I would accompany them! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of in my life! First off he didn't go to church every Sunday, and he expected me to get up every Sunday and take our "children" to church? While he stayed home and slept through Sundays like it's no big thing? Screw that. That's probably why we broke up. Because his dumbass saw the point of me slaving away, with our 10 kids that he wanted. FUCK THAT.

This is probably going to be the first and last long post on this blog.

We have wild sex

I've been having regular sex with Tom, but every once in a while, I have these random wild sex dreams. I had a dream about this guy who was part Asian and part white. I'm not sure if I was thinking about Jon, or not. You guys remember Jon right? He was the guy I couldn't hang out with because I was too busy? Anyway, I had a dream that we were having amazing sex.

And then last night, I had a dream that I was having sex with one of my best friends from high school. Not only is that impossible, because he's gay, but I haven't talked to him in almost 6 years. What is happening to my mind? And why am I having these dreams all of the sudden?

Working hard

I've been traveling a lot the last couple of months. For those of you who are interested in what I do, I work in fashion. I'm not going to say anymore than that. But for those of you who are curious about the fashion business, it's always changing. It's always moving forward, and I think that's why I got involved with it. At the time, I was going to school, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Being pushed by my parents and by boys who I thought loved me was very difficult. And then one day I decided to fuck them all. And so my descent into fashion began. I've been a big fan of fashion ever since my mum inspired it out of me. To look at my mum's closet is like going back into time. She has a classic yet refined style. That can never be duplicated.