Medicated

I told my doctor how I felt like a zombie when I took my medication. I think I broke down in front of him, and started crying. Which rarely happens to me. I don't usually break down crying like an idiot. And he told me to stop taking such big dosages. I wanted to say to him, "But you were the one who suggested I take this dose." But I didn't. Probably because I was too chicken shit to say something that could possibly end up with him scolding me. I always try to remember my manners when around other people. It might be something my father drilled into me when I was young. "Stop making excuses! Stop saying shit when I'm trying to talk to you!"

Sometimes, I just want to sit in my room, and cry.

Men & Boys

I've always had a spot in my heart for Skyler. Even when I knew he wasn't perfect for me. Because I could say at least he was my friend. While with Ken, there was always this flirting that went down. As much as I want it to work out between me and Skyler, I feel like I will always have this emptiness inside of me because of Ken. Like I will never be happy without him in my life. But you reap what you sow. I basically tossed our relationship down the drain, because I was too damn depressed. And that makes the hold in my heart bigger day by day. When will it start to feel better? Never?

I miss the days when Ken would ask me, if everything was going okay. The concern on his face, when he asked if my medication was working. If I was okay to drive home. I haven't told Skyler half of the stuff I told Ken. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the response I will get from him? Perhaps? Maybe? Yes?

I kind of wish you would leave...

Skyler is back in my life again. After the devastation he brought to my life in 2008, and then again in 2011, he's back in my life. I'm not sure why he always comes back to me. Maybe in a part of his brain he thinks of me even when he shouldn't be. I'm bad for him, I'm bad for everyone. I'm no good, but all he sees is good in me.

I wish he would just leave me alone, but he promise long nights of car rides, and talking late into the night. I can't keep up anymore. All the medication I've been taking for the last year, have made me numb to everything. And once in a while, I will scream into my pillow, hoping that everything will work out, but honestly? It never does.