I've known...

So I've known for the last couple of weeks that Skyler has a girlfriend, and it makes me happy that he's finally moved on from me. I just didn't see the point of continuing this crazy charade of dancing around each other, possibly liking each other, but in the end not being able to commit to him.

I'm just not a commitment type of girl. We had talked during April, and he was just so weird about everything. He told me that he's a romantic, and I just said yeah... And then he mentioned that he wanted to cuddle with me. And I just texted him back: Lol. Because I'm not the cuddling type. I'm the type to fuck and then leave. I'm not huge in the romance department, nor do I care about flowers, and wooing the opposite sex.

So I'm glad that he now has someone he can do that with.

I love him, I love him not

This past 2 weeks has been a haze of craziness for me. First off, Skyler has been texting me every day since we started talking again. And while it's nice, I'm still not sure if I like him that way. While me and Tom have slowed down our sexual lust for each other. I'm not sure what is going on between us right now. But I do like Tom a lot. He's perfect in every way. I just wish he could see it like I do.

Skyler is a little strange to talk to. I mean, I like him as a friend, but sometimes I get the feeling that we could be more, if I really wanted to give it a shot. But then there's Tom. Tom who might be the one and the last one for me. And so the decision making continues.

So Halloween is coming up. And I'm pretty sure I don't have any big plans. I mean of course sex is going to be a part of the whole Halloween night shit. I'm just not sure if I feel up to it, after 2 years ago, when I fell in love with a guy. And he broke my heart. Richard where are you now?

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.

Contact

I've been yet again contacted by Skyler. This weekend. I was in bed trying to go to sleep in the early morning, and my phone rings, with a text message. I don't understand why he keeps insisting on seeing me. It's all I can do but keep from screaming. I often times think that if the world were to end tomorrow, I wouldn't be bothered to contact him. The first person I would contact is Ken.

And maybe then I would tell him all the stuff I was too frightened to tell him before. About how much I admired him, and how much I miss him. And how I need his words of wisdom if only for the last time.

Skyler

Skyler has been trying to contact me the last couple of months. What he doesn't know is that I take my iPhone with me everywhere. And I get his messages, I just never open them up. It's weird because he always double texts. It's weird because he has an iPhone like me, so I'm assuming it's not a mistake, but maybe it is. Or maybe it isn't. Who the hell knows? 

If it were a real emergency he could just call me. But he never does. And I'm starting to believe that he never will.

Men & Boys

I've always had a spot in my heart for Skyler. Even when I knew he wasn't perfect for me. Because I could say at least he was my friend. While with Ken, there was always this flirting that went down. As much as I want it to work out between me and Skyler, I feel like I will always have this emptiness inside of me because of Ken. Like I will never be happy without him in my life. But you reap what you sow. I basically tossed our relationship down the drain, because I was too damn depressed. And that makes the hold in my heart bigger day by day. When will it start to feel better? Never?

I miss the days when Ken would ask me, if everything was going okay. The concern on his face, when he asked if my medication was working. If I was okay to drive home. I haven't told Skyler half of the stuff I told Ken. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the response I will get from him? Perhaps? Maybe? Yes?

I kind of wish you would leave...

Skyler is back in my life again. After the devastation he brought to my life in 2008, and then again in 2011, he's back in my life. I'm not sure why he always comes back to me. Maybe in a part of his brain he thinks of me even when he shouldn't be. I'm bad for him, I'm bad for everyone. I'm no good, but all he sees is good in me.

I wish he would just leave me alone, but he promise long nights of car rides, and talking late into the night. I can't keep up anymore. All the medication I've been taking for the last year, have made me numb to everything. And once in a while, I will scream into my pillow, hoping that everything will work out, but honestly? It never does.