Eases my mind

Every time, I want to cry or freak out about something, there he is. Standing there in front of me smiling that silly smile of his. And I just want to break down and tell Ken everything horrible that's happened. Defiling my body with the last man I didn't want. Asking him if he thinks I'm pretty enough, or when I feel the urge to drink an entire bottle of Dom PĂ©rignon. He's been my rock since 2009, and I love him the most out of everyone. He's consistent in letting me know how everything is going, and I feel the urge to just hug him, and tell him everything is going to be okay.

Once upon a time ago, there was a depressed guy who went to college, and felt that nothing in life made sense. And nothing was making sense for him. He would often wonder what was wrong with him, and why he felt the way he was feeling. Until one day when he was 26 he decided enough. He was going to turn his life around. And he did. He didn't think about his life as if it were a sad movie. And he flew, his name was Ken.


Time will only tell

Sex with him is like slowly dying by drowning. I don't like myself after sex with Tom, but at the same time, it's an end to a means. When he went down on me, I felt like there was fireworks, not the big kind, but the kind that they sell to regular people. I don't think I've ever felt those big fireworks when I'm fucking a guy.

When I took his cock in my mouth, I had no idea what was going on through my mind. I'm not often a lustful person, but I felt a need to get him off, and to get him out of my place as soon as possible. I hate looking at his face, when we are fucking because he's not graceful, or good looking in the sense that Edward is. Which makes it all that more sadder, when we have sex.

I asked my best friend if there was a way to turn my anger for him into passion, and she said it's possible, but for me and Tom I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. I was thinking if I was just able to punch him in the face, then maybe just maybe I would be a little more happy.


Love lost is love found?

Ken told me that he's been with his girlfriend for the last 2 years... What have I been doing that time? Absolutely fucking nothing. Not getting into a serious relationship with anyone has got me thinking, what is the best time to settle down? Not sure for everyone, but for me, that's probably going to be when I'm at least 35. I just don't see the point of settling down now.

I've seen all the bullshit on Facebook. Trust me I have. I've seen my friends getting engaged, making and having babies, and I don't know. It doesn't scare me... Well maybe the pushing a baby out of my uterus does, but marriage that's a piece of cake. I just don't have inclination to do any of that stuff. And what's wrong with not wanting to get married and living in a 3 bedroom house? I don't see anything wrong with that. I just don't want to do it right now...

Now I kind of wished I had a cigarette.


I've known...

So I've known for the last couple of weeks that Skyler has a girlfriend, and it makes me happy that he's finally moved on from me. I just didn't see the point of continuing this crazy charade of dancing around each other, possibly liking each other, but in the end not being able to commit to him.

I'm just not a commitment type of girl. We had talked during April, and he was just so weird about everything. He told me that he's a romantic, and I just said yeah... And then he mentioned that he wanted to cuddle with me. And I just texted him back: Lol. Because I'm not the cuddling type. I'm the type to fuck and then leave. I'm not huge in the romance department, nor do I care about flowers, and wooing the opposite sex.

So I'm glad that he now has someone he can do that with.


An Introduction: Edward

I first saw him in school. I thought he was smart, and cute, and just plain gorgeous. I never thought that 10 years would pass and we would meet up again. Like old friends, but more like sex partners. He played the guitar in school, and I'm hoping that he still does.

His sense of style has grown up a lot since varsity jacket days. And his taste in music is like pure sex to me. He was voted for something in our high school yearbook. Possibly best dressed? I'm not sure anymore... But for whatever reason, I have seriously indications that sex with him is going to be amazing. We haven't done it yet, because I have a busy schedule, and he has a even busier one. And plus my one month rule. I don't sleep with anyone unless I've known them for one month or more.


Sucked me in

I haven't seen Edward in 10 years, and all of the sudden he has me all wrapped around his little finger again. It's strange what times does to a person. He's not only amazing looking as usual, but he looks like he's matured. I hope I have as well. It's been 10 years, since high school, since I've seen him, and it's like wham, all those feelings of falling for him have come around full blast. He's always sucking me in to his life.

I had meant to ask him or Charles to homecoming my junior year in high school, but being stupid little old me, I decided to ask Charles, which ended up being the worst mistake of my life. If only, I had asked the right one, maybe now I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I don't think he even remembers that I've known about him this entire time...


2014 Resolutions

I do feel pain, and resentment, and all the bull shit that goes through a cycle of a year. My first resolution is to make something of myself. My second resolution to get serious. Not just about love, but my life, and everything that surrounds me.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and I might just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just lay there for all eternity. Other times, I feel like I can swim forever and ever. And never stop. But those days seemed to be outnumbered by the former.

Love is not real. It's like saying the moon is made out of cheese. Which it is not. Love is just an emotion some of us feel. I can honestly say that I've never felt it, nor do I plan on getting my heart broken. I've never really been in love. Because that would require me to feel something for someone, and I have absolutely no intention of feeling anything for any one person. Sex is one thing, love is another. And yes I've cried over guys before. But it's never been anything that I haven't overcome. I think of true love to be something so indescribable, that it hurts when the person you really love, does something that horrifies you to your core. And I have yet to feel that.