Eases my mind

Every time, I want to cry or freak out about something, there he is. Standing there in front of me smiling that silly smile of his. And I just want to break down and tell Ken everything horrible that's happened. Defiling my body with the last man I didn't want. Asking him if he thinks I'm pretty enough, or when I feel the urge to drink an entire bottle of Dom Pérignon. He's been my rock since 2009, and I love him the most out of everyone. He's consistent in letting me know how everything is going, and I feel the urge to just hug him, and tell him everything is going to be okay.

Once upon a time ago, there was a depressed guy who went to college, and felt that nothing in life made sense. And nothing was making sense for him. He would often wonder what was wrong with him, and why he felt the way he was feeling. Until one day when he was 26 he decided enough. He was going to turn his life around. And he did. He didn't think about his life as if it were a sad movie. And he flew, his name was Ken.

Love lost is love found?

Ken told me that he's been with his girlfriend for the last 2 years... What have I been doing that time? Absolutely fucking nothing. Not getting into a serious relationship with anyone has got me thinking, what is the best time to settle down? Not sure for everyone, but for me, that's probably going to be when I'm at least 35. I just don't see the point of settling down now.

I've seen all the bullshit on Facebook. Trust me I have. I've seen my friends getting engaged, making and having babies, and I don't know. It doesn't scare me... Well maybe the pushing a baby out of my uterus does, but marriage that's a piece of cake. I just don't have inclination to do any of that stuff. And what's wrong with not wanting to get married and living in a 3 bedroom house? I don't see anything wrong with that. I just don't want to do it right now...

Now I kind of wished I had a cigarette.

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.

Contact

I've been yet again contacted by Skyler. This weekend. I was in bed trying to go to sleep in the early morning, and my phone rings, with a text message. I don't understand why he keeps insisting on seeing me. It's all I can do but keep from screaming. I often times think that if the world were to end tomorrow, I wouldn't be bothered to contact him. The first person I would contact is Ken.

And maybe then I would tell him all the stuff I was too frightened to tell him before. About how much I admired him, and how much I miss him. And how I need his words of wisdom if only for the last time.

Skyler

Skyler has been trying to contact me the last couple of months. What he doesn't know is that I take my iPhone with me everywhere. And I get his messages, I just never open them up. It's weird because he always double texts. It's weird because he has an iPhone like me, so I'm assuming it's not a mistake, but maybe it is. Or maybe it isn't. Who the hell knows? 

If it were a real emergency he could just call me. But he never does. And I'm starting to believe that he never will.

I miss him

I have been trying not to think about Ken for the last couple of months, but every time I open my iPhone's pictures, I see his smiling face looking right at me and I get this heart lurching pain. Something that I think will never go away. I miss him every day but I know it's near to impossible to see him. I know he's moved on. He's dating this girl whose pretty, smart, and who works with him in the same building. I know it's bad to have self pity for myself, but every time I see his picture I want to cry a little bit inside.

I haven't read his last Facebook message to me, because I'm scared of what it might say. Especially since I've been in London, and Paris during June. And now I'm in Thailand, and traveling Asia. As soon as I get back to the states in September, I'm going to be in New York for fashion week. As soon as that's over, I'm going to be back in L.A. And that frightens me, because then I won't be able to hold back anymore. And I will have to read his Facebook message.

Men & Boys

I've always had a spot in my heart for Skyler. Even when I knew he wasn't perfect for me. Because I could say at least he was my friend. While with Ken, there was always this flirting that went down. As much as I want it to work out between me and Skyler, I feel like I will always have this emptiness inside of me because of Ken. Like I will never be happy without him in my life. But you reap what you sow. I basically tossed our relationship down the drain, because I was too damn depressed. And that makes the hold in my heart bigger day by day. When will it start to feel better? Never?

I miss the days when Ken would ask me, if everything was going okay. The concern on his face, when he asked if my medication was working. If I was okay to drive home. I haven't told Skyler half of the stuff I told Ken. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the response I will get from him? Perhaps? Maybe? Yes?

Wishing

I've never really understood the whole wishing on 11:11. I mean what happens if you wish on 12:12? But I remember what I wished for on November 11th, 2011 at exactly 11:11 pm. I wished for someone to love me always. I suppose my friends are great examples of that. I mean Ken has always been there for me, and he will always be there. I miss him though. More than he will ever know. I miss his smile, and the way he would always make light of every situation he was in. And more than that, I miss his awkwardness.

I think I can finally admit it, but I love Ken. But I'm far too late. Too much time has passed between us.

And Lena will always be there for me. I've known her since we were freshmen in high school. We've always been there for each other, through thick and thin. I remember how when her father passed away, we were at a restaurant after the funeral, and I asked her if she was okay, and she replied, "No, I'm not." And she laid her head down on the table. I stroked her hair for a few minutes until she felt calm and relaxed. And I ispered to her, "No one here will ever hurt you."