At the end

At the end of last year, I had a sad breakup with a guy who I had thought was amazing and perfect. I was hoping to never speak of it on here, but let's break it down shall we? First off I thought he was perfect, and sweet, and just an overall amazing guy. Turns out that he wasn't all of those things, and it broke my heart when after we had sex, he was a complete asshole.

Aileen, and Lena were there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I had decided to call him up, but due to the stress of the holiday season, I didn't want to risk crying and feeling like a hot mess. In the end everything worked out, because I felt free from the restraints of his capture of my heart.

Lesson learned: Not all men are equal and some will be assholes, or jerks. I'm just glad that I had learned a lesson about this sooner than later. And since Timothy walked into my life, I feel a little better about letting this other guy go.


Aileen & Me

I've reconnected with a friend at the end of 2014, and she is good friend. Unfortunately, she has someone in her life, and is attached. Which makes it hard for us to see eye to eye on certain things. While I'm a year older than Aileen, I feel like she never really got a chance to have encounters with different people. I've had sex with different guys, but she has only had her one man. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that she's only been with her boyfriend, or that I have yet to find the one?


Love is cruel

I don't often talk about myself on here as much as I would like to... That's because I'm a master at hiding myself behind closed doors, and silk sheets. I think a lot of women are insecure, and trust me I'm insecure. But with the right person, sometimes that insecurity can disappear. I have yet to find that one person who makes me tingle, and make me laugh so hard that I can't help but explode into a chaotic mess. But when that day comes, this online journal will become void. I will no longer write on here anymore...


The one who got away

I haven't had the privilege of meeting the guy who would say yes to everything and anything I want to do. And it crushes my heart, especially since I've said no to so many people in the past. I feel like saying no is my most used phrase. And I don't think it should be anymore. I want to say yes, I want to say fuck it, I'll do it right now! But it's not in my nature to say yes. I was always a cautious child, a safe teenage, and now a weary adult. I don't know if I ever be able to say yes to a lot of things that someone like he has to offer me... And that scares me.

I think I'm already half way in love with him... His name is Timothy, and he makes me wild in bed, and even more wild when he's not around.


It's always better with him...

When he fucks me, he is usually not rough, but when we had sex last week he was rougher than usual. It's almost like he's an animal in bed with me. I've come to realize that he is demanding in bed as well. I was lying there panting, and moaning, and he asks me why I am out of breathe, and told me to stop it.

I can't believe that we've seen each other for the last 2 months, and we are constantly like teenagers that just want to rip each other's clothes off. He had told me that he gave up sex for lent, but one glance down there, and he had already lost it.


Break down...

I've missed the intimacy part of falling in love. I feel like a part of me wishes that everything would just fall together, and I just could magically find that one person who completes me. But I know that it will not be happening anytime soon. What scares me most, is what if I never do find true happiness and love? My heart yearns to fall in love, and yet it's more complicated than it actually seems. What do we do as humans when we can't find that one last thing that completes us?

We break down...


Forever and ever?

The biggest question a lot of people in their late twenties ask themselves... Do i love that person enough to be with them forever? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be... To be honest, I have no fucking idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. I miss the rain when it used to rain during the wintertime. And now that there's finally rain, I'm disappointed. I thought maybe there would be a downpour of rain, and we would all just get swept up and leave with the rain that comes and then disappears... It's saddening to think that now it's actually happening you don't really care anymore. That's the way it is with love. When you don't have it, you crave it, and when you have it, you don't care about it anymore.

I don't know which is sadder. Having love, and losing it, or never having it at all..


Fickle little thing

Love is such a fickle thing. It had a tendency to escape at the worst of times, and come back at the best of times. It's hard for any one person to actually know if they are ever in love. Falling in love that's a different concept entirely. I can say that I have fallen in love, but staying there takes a lot more hard work, and of course patience, than any one person can handle.

My fragile heart can't take the pain that my breaking heart gets every time someone decides to throw gasoline on it, and lit my beating heart on fire. I'm not sure what it is about love that makes people do stupid shit, but I haven't felt that way in a long time. And I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that way again. Being immune to love and the way that it pushes us to our boundaries, is what I do best, but what happens when someone shatters that resolve? What do I do then?

(I've decided to blog at least once a month for the next year. Let's hope that I'm able to do it...)