At the end

At the end of last year, I had a sad breakup with a guy who I had thought was amazing and perfect. I was hoping to never speak of it on here, but let's break it down shall we? First off I thought he was perfect, and sweet, and just an overall amazing guy. Turns out that he wasn't all of those things, and it broke my heart when after we had sex, he was a complete asshole.

Aileen, and Lena were there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I had decided to call him up, but due to the stress of the holiday season, I didn't want to risk crying and feeling like a hot mess. In the end everything worked out, because I felt free from the restraints of his capture of my heart.

Lesson learned: Not all men are equal and some will be assholes, or jerks. I'm just glad that I had learned a lesson about this sooner than later. And since Timothy walked into my life, I feel a little better about letting this other guy go.

It's always better with him...

When he fucks me, he is usually not rough, but when we had sex last week he was rougher than usual. It's almost like he's an animal in bed with me. I've come to realize that he is demanding in bed as well. I was lying there panting, and moaning, and he asks me why I am out of breathe, and told me to stop it.

I can't believe that we've seen each other for the last 2 months, and we are constantly like teenagers that just want to rip each other's clothes off. He had told me that he gave up sex for lent, but one glance down there, and he had already lost it.

An Introduction: Edward

I first saw him in school. I thought he was smart, and cute, and just plain gorgeous. I never thought that 10 years would pass and we would meet up again. Like old friends, but more like sex partners. He played the guitar in school, and I'm hoping that he still does.

His sense of style has grown up a lot since varsity jacket days. And his taste in music is like pure sex to me. He was voted for something in our high school yearbook. Possibly best dressed? I'm not sure anymore... But for whatever reason, I have seriously indications that sex with him is going to be amazing. We haven't done it yet, because I have a busy schedule, and he has a even busier one. And plus my one month rule. I don't sleep with anyone unless I've known them for one month or more.

Sucked me in

I haven't seen Edward in 10 years, and all of the sudden he has me all wrapped around his little finger again. It's strange what times does to a person. He's not only amazing looking as usual, but he looks like he's matured. I hope I have as well. It's been 10 years, since high school, since I've seen him, and it's like wham, all those feelings of falling for him have come around full blast. He's always sucking me in to his life.

I had meant to ask him or Charles to homecoming my junior year in high school, but being stupid little old me, I decided to ask Charles, which ended up being the worst mistake of my life. If only, I had asked the right one, maybe now I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I don't think he even remembers that I've known about him this entire time...

2014 Resolutions

I do feel pain, and resentment, and all the bull shit that goes through a cycle of a year. My first resolution is to make something of myself. My second resolution to get serious. Not just about love, but my life, and everything that surrounds me.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and I might just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just lay there for all eternity. Other times, I feel like I can swim forever and ever. And never stop. But those days seemed to be outnumbered by the former.

Love is not real. It's like saying the moon is made out of cheese. Which it is not. Love is just an emotion some of us feel. I can honestly say that I've never felt it, nor do I plan on getting my heart broken. I've never really been in love. Because that would require me to feel something for someone, and I have absolutely no intention of feeling anything for any one person. Sex is one thing, love is another. And yes I've cried over guys before. But it's never been anything that I haven't overcome. I think of true love to be something so indescribable, that it hurts when the person you really love, does something that horrifies you to your core. And I have yet to feel that.

Wherefore art thou Richard?

I always fall for someone once every couple of months. And two years ago, it was this guy named Richard. He was perfect. Tall, educated, smart, funny, and he was just overall a good time guy to have fun with. I don't know what went wrong. I guess it came down to expectations with both of us. I wanted to commit, and he didn't want to. And now it's role reversal. I guess now, I don't want to be committed at all. Which is why Tom is such a good idea. And the sex has been good with him by the way. I suppose Richard is getting older, and he wants something more serious now. The only question is, am I willing to give it to him?

Me and Him...

So this upcoming week is going to be fun. For one, Tom is going to be over and we are going to have a lot of fun drinking, eating cheese and crackers, and having sex. It should be a magical 2 weeks. Sorry I haven't been blogging on the regular. This is my outlet blog. I only write when I'm feeling up and bouncy or depressed as fuck. I guess right now, I'm just excited to see Tom finally.

We have wild sex

I've been having regular sex with Tom, but every once in a while, I have these random wild sex dreams. I had a dream about this guy who was part Asian and part white. I'm not sure if I was thinking about Jon, or not. You guys remember Jon right? He was the guy I couldn't hang out with because I was too busy? Anyway, I had a dream that we were having amazing sex.

And then last night, I had a dream that I was having sex with one of my best friends from high school. Not only is that impossible, because he's gay, but I haven't talked to him in almost 6 years. What is happening to my mind? And why am I having these dreams all of the sudden?

Stuck again

I don't believe in being dishonest. Dishonesty is the worst kind of lying. It's lying to yourself, as to other people. This random guy found me through the internet, and decided he liked me. Which is fucked up because he's married. And his wife turns a blind eye to his cheating ways. I don't want to talk to him anymore, so henceforth this asshole is blocked. He's told me that he's had multiple relationships with other women, and when I asked what would happen if he found the perfect woman and she wanted to settle down with him, he insisted that he would never separate from his wife. Because get this, he has kids. Fuck that shit. I'm not about to get involved with someone who has children, and is married. That's just not my motto.

So this is the lesson of the story kids, if you meet someone whose married, and they want to have sex with you, tell them to fuck off, and to go home to their spouse. Because being dishonest is the worst kind of lying.

F*CK

Sex is often times said to be a good thing for the body. Almost every time I've had sex, I've had an orgasm. Now, the same can't be said for every woman. Some women go through their entire lives without having any kind of release. Having sex for me is like fireworks going off every time.

I remember a couple of years ago, when I was so pissed off at the world, and my parents, and I was raging with all my heart, my parents sent me to a group therapy. I remember one woman there saying that she never had an orgasm, and that she never wanted to have sex again. That made me sad. Because how do you even know if you never had it? I miss that feeling of having someone on top of me, kissing me, touching me. Making me moan. I miss that feeling.

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.