At the end

At the end of last year, I had a sad breakup with a guy who I had thought was amazing and perfect. I was hoping to never speak of it on here, but let's break it down shall we? First off I thought he was perfect, and sweet, and just an overall amazing guy. Turns out that he wasn't all of those things, and it broke my heart when after we had sex, he was a complete asshole.

Aileen, and Lena were there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I had decided to call him up, but due to the stress of the holiday season, I didn't want to risk crying and feeling like a hot mess. In the end everything worked out, because I felt free from the restraints of his capture of my heart.

Lesson learned: Not all men are equal and some will be assholes, or jerks. I'm just glad that I had learned a lesson about this sooner than later. And since Timothy walked into my life, I feel a little better about letting this other guy go.

Aileen & Me

I've reconnected with a friend at the end of 2014, and she is good friend. Unfortunately, she has someone in her life, and is attached. Which makes it hard for us to see eye to eye on certain things. While I'm a year older than Aileen, I feel like she never really got a chance to have encounters with different people. I've had sex with different guys, but she has only had her one man. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that she's only been with her boyfriend, or that I have yet to find the one?

Love is cruel

I don't often talk about myself on here as much as I would like to... That's because I'm a master at hiding myself behind closed doors, and silk sheets. I think a lot of women are insecure, and trust me I'm insecure. But with the right person, sometimes that insecurity can disappear. I have yet to find that one person who makes me tingle, and make me laugh so hard that I can't help but explode into a chaotic mess. But when that day comes, this online journal will become void. I will no longer write on here anymore...

The one who got away

I haven't had the privilege of meeting the guy who would say yes to everything and anything I want to do. And it crushes my heart, especially since I've said no to so many people in the past. I feel like saying no is my most used phrase. And I don't think it should be anymore. I want to say yes, I want to say fuck it, I'll do it right now! But it's not in my nature to say yes. I was always a cautious child, a safe teenage, and now a weary adult. I don't know if I ever be able to say yes to a lot of things that someone like he has to offer me... And that scares me.

I think I'm already half way in love with him... His name is Timothy, and he makes me wild in bed, and even more wild when he's not around.

It's always better with him...

When he fucks me, he is usually not rough, but when we had sex last week he was rougher than usual. It's almost like he's an animal in bed with me. I've come to realize that he is demanding in bed as well. I was lying there panting, and moaning, and he asks me why I am out of breathe, and told me to stop it.

I can't believe that we've seen each other for the last 2 months, and we are constantly like teenagers that just want to rip each other's clothes off. He had told me that he gave up sex for lent, but one glance down there, and he had already lost it.

Break down...

I've missed the intimacy part of falling in love. I feel like a part of me wishes that everything would just fall together, and I just could magically find that one person who completes me. But I know that it will not be happening anytime soon. What scares me most, is what if I never do find true happiness and love? My heart yearns to fall in love, and yet it's more complicated than it actually seems. What do we do as humans when we can't find that one last thing that completes us?

We break down...

Forever and ever?

The biggest question a lot of people in their late twenties ask themselves... Do i love that person enough to be with them forever? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be... To be honest, I have no fucking idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. I miss the rain when it used to rain during the wintertime. And now that there's finally rain, I'm disappointed. I thought maybe there would be a downpour of rain, and we would all just get swept up and leave with the rain that comes and then disappears... It's saddening to think that now it's actually happening you don't really care anymore. That's the way it is with love. When you don't have it, you crave it, and when you have it, you don't care about it anymore.

I don't know which is sadder. Having love, and losing it, or never having it at all..

Fickle little thing

Love is such a fickle thing. It had a tendency to escape at the worst of times, and come back at the best of times. It's hard for any one person to actually know if they are ever in love. Falling in love that's a different concept entirely. I can say that I have fallen in love, but staying there takes a lot more hard work, and of course patience, than any one person can handle.

My fragile heart can't take the pain that my breaking heart gets every time someone decides to throw gasoline on it, and lit my beating heart on fire. I'm not sure what it is about love that makes people do stupid shit, but I haven't felt that way in a long time. And I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that way again. Being immune to love and the way that it pushes us to our boundaries, is what I do best, but what happens when someone shatters that resolve? What do I do then?

(I've decided to blog at least once a month for the next year. Let's hope that I'm able to do it...)

An Introduction: Edward

I first saw him in school. I thought he was smart, and cute, and just plain gorgeous. I never thought that 10 years would pass and we would meet up again. Like old friends, but more like sex partners. He played the guitar in school, and I'm hoping that he still does.

His sense of style has grown up a lot since varsity jacket days. And his taste in music is like pure sex to me. He was voted for something in our high school yearbook. Possibly best dressed? I'm not sure anymore... But for whatever reason, I have seriously indications that sex with him is going to be amazing. We haven't done it yet, because I have a busy schedule, and he has a even busier one. And plus my one month rule. I don't sleep with anyone unless I've known them for one month or more.

Sucked me in

I haven't seen Edward in 10 years, and all of the sudden he has me all wrapped around his little finger again. It's strange what times does to a person. He's not only amazing looking as usual, but he looks like he's matured. I hope I have as well. It's been 10 years, since high school, since I've seen him, and it's like wham, all those feelings of falling for him have come around full blast. He's always sucking me in to his life.

I had meant to ask him or Charles to homecoming my junior year in high school, but being stupid little old me, I decided to ask Charles, which ended up being the worst mistake of my life. If only, I had asked the right one, maybe now I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I don't think he even remembers that I've known about him this entire time...

2014 Resolutions

I do feel pain, and resentment, and all the bull shit that goes through a cycle of a year. My first resolution is to make something of myself. My second resolution to get serious. Not just about love, but my life, and everything that surrounds me.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and I might just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just lay there for all eternity. Other times, I feel like I can swim forever and ever. And never stop. But those days seemed to be outnumbered by the former.

Love is not real. It's like saying the moon is made out of cheese. Which it is not. Love is just an emotion some of us feel. I can honestly say that I've never felt it, nor do I plan on getting my heart broken. I've never really been in love. Because that would require me to feel something for someone, and I have absolutely no intention of feeling anything for any one person. Sex is one thing, love is another. And yes I've cried over guys before. But it's never been anything that I haven't overcome. I think of true love to be something so indescribable, that it hurts when the person you really love, does something that horrifies you to your core. And I have yet to feel that.

Wherefore art thou Richard?

I always fall for someone once every couple of months. And two years ago, it was this guy named Richard. He was perfect. Tall, educated, smart, funny, and he was just overall a good time guy to have fun with. I don't know what went wrong. I guess it came down to expectations with both of us. I wanted to commit, and he didn't want to. And now it's role reversal. I guess now, I don't want to be committed at all. Which is why Tom is such a good idea. And the sex has been good with him by the way. I suppose Richard is getting older, and he wants something more serious now. The only question is, am I willing to give it to him?

Me and Him...

So this upcoming week is going to be fun. For one, Tom is going to be over and we are going to have a lot of fun drinking, eating cheese and crackers, and having sex. It should be a magical 2 weeks. Sorry I haven't been blogging on the regular. This is my outlet blog. I only write when I'm feeling up and bouncy or depressed as fuck. I guess right now, I'm just excited to see Tom finally.

We have wild sex

I've been having regular sex with Tom, but every once in a while, I have these random wild sex dreams. I had a dream about this guy who was part Asian and part white. I'm not sure if I was thinking about Jon, or not. You guys remember Jon right? He was the guy I couldn't hang out with because I was too busy? Anyway, I had a dream that we were having amazing sex.

And then last night, I had a dream that I was having sex with one of my best friends from high school. Not only is that impossible, because he's gay, but I haven't talked to him in almost 6 years. What is happening to my mind? And why am I having these dreams all of the sudden?

Stuck again

I don't believe in being dishonest. Dishonesty is the worst kind of lying. It's lying to yourself, as to other people. This random guy found me through the internet, and decided he liked me. Which is fucked up because he's married. And his wife turns a blind eye to his cheating ways. I don't want to talk to him anymore, so henceforth this asshole is blocked. He's told me that he's had multiple relationships with other women, and when I asked what would happen if he found the perfect woman and she wanted to settle down with him, he insisted that he would never separate from his wife. Because get this, he has kids. Fuck that shit. I'm not about to get involved with someone who has children, and is married. That's just not my motto.

So this is the lesson of the story kids, if you meet someone whose married, and they want to have sex with you, tell them to fuck off, and to go home to their spouse. Because being dishonest is the worst kind of lying.

I love him, I love him not

This past 2 weeks has been a haze of craziness for me. First off, Skyler has been texting me every day since we started talking again. And while it's nice, I'm still not sure if I like him that way. While me and Tom have slowed down our sexual lust for each other. I'm not sure what is going on between us right now. But I do like Tom a lot. He's perfect in every way. I just wish he could see it like I do.

Skyler is a little strange to talk to. I mean, I like him as a friend, but sometimes I get the feeling that we could be more, if I really wanted to give it a shot. But then there's Tom. Tom who might be the one and the last one for me. And so the decision making continues.

So Halloween is coming up. And I'm pretty sure I don't have any big plans. I mean of course sex is going to be a part of the whole Halloween night shit. I'm just not sure if I feel up to it, after 2 years ago, when I fell in love with a guy. And he broke my heart. Richard where are you now?