Time will only tell

Sex with him is like slowly dying by drowning. I don't like myself after sex with Tom, but at the same time, it's an end to a means. When he went down on me, I felt like there was fireworks, not the big kind, but the kind that they sell to regular people. I don't think I've ever felt those big fireworks when I'm fucking a guy.

When I took his cock in my mouth, I had no idea what was going on through my mind. I'm not often a lustful person, but I felt a need to get him off, and to get him out of my place as soon as possible. I hate looking at his face, when we are fucking because he's not graceful, or good looking in the sense that Edward is. Which makes it all that more sadder, when we have sex.

I asked my best friend if there was a way to turn my anger for him into passion, and she said it's possible, but for me and Tom I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. I was thinking if I was just able to punch him in the face, then maybe just maybe I would be a little more happy.

Wherefore art thou Richard?

I always fall for someone once every couple of months. And two years ago, it was this guy named Richard. He was perfect. Tall, educated, smart, funny, and he was just overall a good time guy to have fun with. I don't know what went wrong. I guess it came down to expectations with both of us. I wanted to commit, and he didn't want to. And now it's role reversal. I guess now, I don't want to be committed at all. Which is why Tom is such a good idea. And the sex has been good with him by the way. I suppose Richard is getting older, and he wants something more serious now. The only question is, am I willing to give it to him?

They left again

My parents left again to go on vacation. They left last Tuesday. So they skipped out on Thanksgiving. There is nothing to be thankful for this year. Other than my own health, and my career. Tom was suppose to show up this weekend, but due to miscommunication we ended up not seeing each other. And then he got sick Sunday. I'm starting to feel sick but not his type of sick. I've been coughing a lot more lately.

I didn't go black Friday shopping. I relaxed at home, with a cup of hot tea, while watching some movies. And then late Friday afternoon, I decided to go to Walmart to pick up some small things, and guess what? It was still a crazy experience. I felt like there were a lot of people there, running around, still trying to get good deals. I ended up picking up 2 candles. I'm planning on going to vacation next year. Possibly around May.

Me and Him...

So this upcoming week is going to be fun. For one, Tom is going to be over and we are going to have a lot of fun drinking, eating cheese and crackers, and having sex. It should be a magical 2 weeks. Sorry I haven't been blogging on the regular. This is my outlet blog. I only write when I'm feeling up and bouncy or depressed as fuck. I guess right now, I'm just excited to see Tom finally.

I love him, I love him not

This past 2 weeks has been a haze of craziness for me. First off, Skyler has been texting me every day since we started talking again. And while it's nice, I'm still not sure if I like him that way. While me and Tom have slowed down our sexual lust for each other. I'm not sure what is going on between us right now. But I do like Tom a lot. He's perfect in every way. I just wish he could see it like I do.

Skyler is a little strange to talk to. I mean, I like him as a friend, but sometimes I get the feeling that we could be more, if I really wanted to give it a shot. But then there's Tom. Tom who might be the one and the last one for me. And so the decision making continues.

So Halloween is coming up. And I'm pretty sure I don't have any big plans. I mean of course sex is going to be a part of the whole Halloween night shit. I'm just not sure if I feel up to it, after 2 years ago, when I fell in love with a guy. And he broke my heart. Richard where are you now?

Stupidness gets the best of all of us.

I did something really stupid the other day. I was feeling insecure about my relationship with Tom, so I decided to contact Skyler. It wasn't a good idea, and now I'm slightly regretting it. He's always saying things, like: "You're so pretty/gorgeous/beautiful." And I'm not sure how to respond other than: "Thank you." It's almost borderline awkward. I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. It's gotten to the point where if it didn't happen, it probably never will.

Skyler wants to take me to a mountain top, and up there, he says is a cove, where you can see all the stars. And while I really want to do something romantic like that with Tom. He just isn't Tom. I feel really strange about the situation. If I don't get this stuff under control, I'm going to lose my head soon.

I also had a talk with Ken the other day. It's weird because now all of the sudden, I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in a year or so. And it feels strange as fuck. He told me that he's having problems with the woman he's dating right now. And I explained my situation with Skyler and Tom. And he just told me, that both are bad choices. I'm so confused, I'm not sure what's wrong and what's right anymore.